"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in distress....
Tears have wasted my eyes, my throat, my heart...."
"But as for me, I trust in you, Lord,
I say: 'You are my God.
Let your face shine on your servant.
Save me in your love.' "
-from Psalm 31
The psalm from this morning's Morning Prayer (taken from the beautiful resource Magnificat, not from the true Office of Readings but it should be the same) struck me b/c it voices my heart right now. I am struggling with old anxieties and fears that I always want to think I've left behind and I know the only answer is to give them to You, Lord, with all my heart, and just keep moving forward. Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on me. Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for me. As the wisest women in my life have always told me, we just have to keep going. A snapshot of one day of anyone's life isn't necessarily going to be the beautiful landscape that I want to see for myself or anyone else. The only truth in hard situations is faithfulness. And I don't want to waste time and grace, waste life angsting.
My problem is I rely on myself. Especially when I'm struggling and searching spiritually, I can tend to pull back out of a desire to protect myself and somehow satisfy a desire to make my search more authentically mine. But for me, life is Christ. Life is Truth in Him. And I know I cannot find any long-lasting answers apart from You, my Lord. I can find what feels like a reprieve from your demands but that is a narrow view of who you are and all you've been for me. Your blows are always and only blows of Love. And what blows are you really sending my way right now? I am my own biggest cross. Help me to cling to you and, so, let you carry all that you will for me.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
What do Reinhold Niehbur, Mark Twain & Abe Lincoln have in common?
Our mid-west roadtrip.
It was fun & an adventure but it is also good to be home and relax at home (by doing projects) b/f we both have to head to work next week. We caravaned w/ my mom & brother across the midwest to Galesburg, IL, a small town outside Peoria for my sister's wedding. It was gorgeous. She was beautiful. It really reflected their joy-filled & family/friend-centered lives and God. was. there. In their desire for his blessing and, mostly, in their deep desire for unconditional, eternal Love.
So, we read a little of R. Niebur per my uncle's recommendation, from his Essential Writings- on his RN's life itself, as well as a chapter on "Mystery & Meaning." Had already read the essay on "The Christian Church in a Secular Age," which was excellent, better in my opinion. Don't agree w/ all his ultimate conclusions, considering how hard he is on the Catholic Church, but I think he has a lot of astute observations along the way.
We did Hannibal, MO & Mark Twain on the way north. Learned a little about his life as a writer- mostly that he was from a working class family and always had to work to support himself, learned as a printer's apprentice, actually just wrote a handful of books (which surprised me considering he is such a towering figure in American Lit, primarily for his innovation in style, of course- making it contemporary, colloquial), and didn't publish the first novel until after he was married and trying to support his young family. He wrote about what he knew, similar to Louisa May Alcott that way.
Springfield, IL & Abraham Lincoln was the stop on the way home and struck me in a similar way. I always knew he was from a poor family and a self-taught lawyer (particularly amazing to me considering I & everyone I knew paid extra to take an additional Bar prep class, after graduating law school). I hadn't thought about how successful professionally and personally he had to have been to make the climb that he did. And how responsive to God's will he must have been, first in his formation, then living his mission. No one makes that kind of journey, especially a sacrificial one- which his ultimately was, alone. He wrote his timeless pieces in the course of his work as a politician, responding to the needs of the people he served and represented. Some of the comments about Mary Todd's struggles reminded me of myself. Hope I don't suffer from such severe MDD later in life.
So, my take-away light from these men is to be true to myself as God created me to be, including my struggles with practicing & being a working-mom, including with my more spiritual desires to read, write, & reflect more than seems I have time.
It was fun & an adventure but it is also good to be home and relax at home (by doing projects) b/f we both have to head to work next week. We caravaned w/ my mom & brother across the midwest to Galesburg, IL, a small town outside Peoria for my sister's wedding. It was gorgeous. She was beautiful. It really reflected their joy-filled & family/friend-centered lives and God. was. there. In their desire for his blessing and, mostly, in their deep desire for unconditional, eternal Love.
So, we read a little of R. Niebur per my uncle's recommendation, from his Essential Writings- on his RN's life itself, as well as a chapter on "Mystery & Meaning." Had already read the essay on "The Christian Church in a Secular Age," which was excellent, better in my opinion. Don't agree w/ all his ultimate conclusions, considering how hard he is on the Catholic Church, but I think he has a lot of astute observations along the way.
We did Hannibal, MO & Mark Twain on the way north. Learned a little about his life as a writer- mostly that he was from a working class family and always had to work to support himself, learned as a printer's apprentice, actually just wrote a handful of books (which surprised me considering he is such a towering figure in American Lit, primarily for his innovation in style, of course- making it contemporary, colloquial), and didn't publish the first novel until after he was married and trying to support his young family. He wrote about what he knew, similar to Louisa May Alcott that way.
Springfield, IL & Abraham Lincoln was the stop on the way home and struck me in a similar way. I always knew he was from a poor family and a self-taught lawyer (particularly amazing to me considering I & everyone I knew paid extra to take an additional Bar prep class, after graduating law school). I hadn't thought about how successful professionally and personally he had to have been to make the climb that he did. And how responsive to God's will he must have been, first in his formation, then living his mission. No one makes that kind of journey, especially a sacrificial one- which his ultimately was, alone. He wrote his timeless pieces in the course of his work as a politician, responding to the needs of the people he served and represented. Some of the comments about Mary Todd's struggles reminded me of myself. Hope I don't suffer from such severe MDD later in life.
So, my take-away light from these men is to be true to myself as God created me to be, including my struggles with practicing & being a working-mom, including with my more spiritual desires to read, write, & reflect more than seems I have time.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Litany of Trust in Christ (& Hope in Our Patrons' Prayers)
I am a choleric-melancholic temperament. Since becoming a wife and mother and tapping into my more relational (& creative) melancholic side, my main struggle has become not letting my other melancholic tendencies (to anxiety, scrupulosity, even depression at times) dominate my personality. I want to be a joyful Christian. I choose to be a joyful Christian. Christ, please give me the grace I need to really believe you have already won the Battle, and to truly live your Resurrection. Why do I think I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders when you already carried the Cross? Help me to carry only the yoke you have chosen for me in your great love.
Jesus, I trust in you!
Because you have always loved me- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because you protected me in my mother's womb- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because you gave me such a mother- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of all I've learned due to my father- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the communities you placed me in that taught and formed me- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the dreams you've fulfilled- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the love you've given my husband and I for each other- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the growth we've experienced together- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the miracle of life from our union- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because you teach me through my children- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of meetings and connections only you can arrange- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the great plans you have for us- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because YOU ARE- Jesus, I trust in you.
Glory be to you Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. (3x)
Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
Holy Mary, Mother of God and our Mother, pray for us.
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us.
Faithful St. Joseph, pray for us.
Child Jesus, pray for us.
St. Catherine of Siena, pray for me.
St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, pray for me.
St. Thomas More, pray for me.
St. Gianna, pray for me.
St. Gemma Galgani, pray for me.
St. Anthony, pray for me.
St. Louis, pray for us.
St. Luke, pray for us.
St. Dymphna, pray for us.
St. Jude, pray for us.
St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us.
Sts. John, Paul, and John Paul the Great, pray for us.
St. Mark, pray for us.
St. Ignatius, pray for us.
Glory be to you Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. (3x)
Jesus, I trust in you!
Because you have always loved me- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because you protected me in my mother's womb- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because you gave me such a mother- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of all I've learned due to my father- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the communities you placed me in that taught and formed me- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the dreams you've fulfilled- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the love you've given my husband and I for each other- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the growth we've experienced together- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the miracle of life from our union- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because you teach me through my children- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of meetings and connections only you can arrange- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because of the great plans you have for us- Jesus, I trust in you.
Because YOU ARE- Jesus, I trust in you.
Glory be to you Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. (3x)
Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
Holy Mary, Mother of God and our Mother, pray for us.
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us.
Faithful St. Joseph, pray for us.
Child Jesus, pray for us.
St. Catherine of Siena, pray for me.
St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, pray for me.
St. Thomas More, pray for me.
St. Gianna, pray for me.
St. Gemma Galgani, pray for me.
St. Anthony, pray for me.
St. Louis, pray for us.
St. Luke, pray for us.
St. Dymphna, pray for us.
St. Jude, pray for us.
St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us.
Sts. John, Paul, and John Paul the Great, pray for us.
St. Mark, pray for us.
St. Ignatius, pray for us.
Glory be to you Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. (3x)
Friday, June 5, 2009
Why I Love Lewis
"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." -- C.S. Lewis
I have felt myself resisting this spiritual truth lately, desparately seeking to exercise more self-assertion and control over my life and time. It's my life, after all, isn't it? Not really. But a time has come for me to reign in personal and family activities, in the interest of doing the essentials better- including prayer and fun as a family. And just living each day as it comes. Joyfully.
I have felt myself resisting this spiritual truth lately, desparately seeking to exercise more self-assertion and control over my life and time. It's my life, after all, isn't it? Not really. But a time has come for me to reign in personal and family activities, in the interest of doing the essentials better- including prayer and fun as a family. And just living each day as it comes. Joyfully.
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