"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in distress....
Tears have wasted my eyes, my throat, my heart...."
"But as for me, I trust in you, Lord,
I say: 'You are my God.
Let your face shine on your servant.
Save me in your love.' "
-from Psalm 31
The psalm from this morning's Morning Prayer (taken from the beautiful resource Magnificat, not from the true Office of Readings but it should be the same) struck me b/c it voices my heart right now. I am struggling with old anxieties and fears that I always want to think I've left behind and I know the only answer is to give them to You, Lord, with all my heart, and just keep moving forward. Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on me. Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for me. As the wisest women in my life have always told me, we just have to keep going. A snapshot of one day of anyone's life isn't necessarily going to be the beautiful landscape that I want to see for myself or anyone else. The only truth in hard situations is faithfulness. And I don't want to waste time and grace, waste life angsting.
My problem is I rely on myself. Especially when I'm struggling and searching spiritually, I can tend to pull back out of a desire to protect myself and somehow satisfy a desire to make my search more authentically mine. But for me, life is Christ. Life is Truth in Him. And I know I cannot find any long-lasting answers apart from You, my Lord. I can find what feels like a reprieve from your demands but that is a narrow view of who you are and all you've been for me. Your blows are always and only blows of Love. And what blows are you really sending my way right now? I am my own biggest cross. Help me to cling to you and, so, let you carry all that you will for me.
